Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
