I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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