No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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