some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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