you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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