I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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