dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
