bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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