did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
