Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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