All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
