How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
