Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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