I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
