I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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