I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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