Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
