You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
