there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
