It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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