He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
