last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
