It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
