I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
