Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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