Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
