Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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