I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
