You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
