thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
