Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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