I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
