she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
