goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
