someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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