You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
