after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
