Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
