Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can tuck mytits in my pants
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My ass is underappreciated
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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