Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
