i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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