remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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