I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
