Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
