I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
