Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
