I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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