how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
