Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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