i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Welp...herpes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
