I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
