I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
